We all have that one guy burned into our memory… however much we’d like to erase him entirely. He’s got a special place in our history, a position and a significance we can’t ever forget.
He’s the guy you lost your virginity to. Maybe he was your first boyfriend, your first love or just some guy at a party.
Maybe he was your older brother’s best friend, your lab partner or the neighbor across the hall in your college dorm.
It may not be the case for the women who ended up with their high school sweethearts or those waiting for marriage, but, for a lot of us, it doesn’t really matter who that guy was.
He holds the same overall significance to every girl: He’s the guy who deflowered you. He’s the guy who got there first.
For a girl, it’s an extremely important, often traumatic, event that affects her life greatly — it’s one of our first big steps into womanhood.
For most of us, these guys are just memories from long ago, a scar on our high school or early college lives.
They got that whole pesky “I’m a virgin” thing out of the way and set us on the road to exploring our sexuality. Because once you’ve done it, there isn’t any harm in doing it some more.
The first time is the most important time; it’s the sexual encounter most imbued with emotion, and very few women can say that they don’t remember whom it was they gave it to.
There are a lot of things I’d say to that gawky, blond dude from way back when. I had a lot of questions (and a lot to declare in general) then, and I’ll admit that I still have them because they were never really answered.
I may not care very much about it anymore, but I sure as hell did at one point. In some part of me, way down in my 16-year-old self, there’s a tiny pang of desire to say everything I never got the chance to say.
So, in the name of solidarity, here’s everything I’d say to the holder of my V-Card, along with the gathered testimonials from other Millennial women.
1. Thanks for being the person to teach me about heartbreak.
2. I’m a lot stronger having dealt with this when I was young.
3. You were a great high school sweetheart while it lasted.
4. Where are you now even?
5. I felt so cool when you asked me out because you were a popular boy, and I was coming out of my awkward phase.
6. Life has gotten so much better without you, even though I thought it never would.
7. Thank you for respecting my wishes to stay a virgin until marriage, even if my mind changed after a couple of months.
8. Feel free to stop stalking me anytime now.
9. You did not know where the clitoris was, just an FYI.
10. Why does my heart still hurt a little bit?
11. It’s too bad your skin never cleared up like you thought it would.
12. You’re lucky you were my first because I would never have done it again.
13. I avoided you when I saw you at CVS over Christmas.
14. I can’t believe you have children now.
15. You’ve gotten fat.
16. Thanks for teaching me the importance of protection.
17. Thanks for being a dick after.
18. You taught me about love.
19. I would love to forget you, but I don’t think I ever will.
20. I used to pretend we’d get married someday.
21. You couldn’t pay me to hook up with you again.
22. Your small wiener nearly scarred me for life.
23. I thought you were the one before I even knew what that meant.
24. Thank you for providing me and my friends with comedic fodder.
25. Thanks for setting the bar really low.
26. Let’s just pretend it never happened.
27. You made me feel desirable for the first time in my life.
28. Thanks for pushing me to get on birth control pills.
29. Because of you, I was able to discern between love and lust.
30. I told the next guy I was a virgin, too.
31. Sometimes I think about what would have happened if we stayed together.
32. Sometimes I look at your Facebook and Instagram for a self-esteem boost.
33. Did I clearly win the breakup by becoming more successful than you?
34. Remember that fun pregnancy scare?
35. I wonder if your new girlfriend is anything like me.
36. You ruined blond men for me.
37. You set me up for success.
38. I’ll never forget you.
39. Why did you only have a British accent sometimes and not other times?
40. I really wish you all the best; I promise.
41. You were my first story, but certainly not my last.