If movies tell you anything, it’s that sex isn’t sex unless violins are swelling in the background, you’re on perfect Egyptian cotton sheets and you orgasm the moment your partner lays his hands on you.
Let’s be real: Sex is awkward. Your body makes boner-killing noises, the bed creaks and your sheets are probably still stained from the one time you thought it was a good idea to eat sushi in bed.
The good part about awkward sex is it’s a breeding ground (see what I did there) for great stories. Here, five women shared their tales of woe and misplaced vibrators.
Well, at least she was enjoying herself.
One night, I was hooking up with my ex-boyfriend and I was touching myself in front of him all playfully and seductive (as one does). He was thoroughly enjoying the show and I was feeling like a sex goddess. Then, just as I was finally about to orgasm, I farted. I’m still screaming internally over it. -Ashley, 22
Looks like the cashier got her (lube) cherry popped.
There’s this brand of lube sold at the drug store near my house. It has a lot of different flavors, like cherry and watermelon. I went to pick up some strawberry lube and bought a bunch of other random sh*t, so I didn’t look like a total weirdo buying lube at a pharmacy. When I got to the counter, the cashier was making small-talk with me about another one of my items. There was a line of about five people behind me. She then picked up the lube and said, “Oh! What’s this? I haven’t seen it before.” She started inspecting the bottle of lube and when she realized what it was, she got super awkward, put it down and finished the rest of the transaction as quick as humanly possible. I was mortified and ran out of there as fast as I could. -Tatiana, 23
Well, that’s one way to get grounded for life.
One day, I was giving my high school boyfriend a blowjob in my room. My dad and stepmom were home, so I made my boyfriend stand against my closed door while I blew him just in case, for some reason, someone wanted to open the door. I didn’t have a lock. While I was in the middle of blowing my boyfriend, my dad tried to open the door, which caused my boyfriend to shove his dick completely down my throat. I was gagging and coughing, and I told my dad he couldn’t come in because “I was changing.” -Anna, 23
Honesty isn’t always the best policy.
This happened a couple of weeks ago. The guy I was dating and I were in bed after a particularly stressful week. He was going down on me and, holy sh*t, he’s so good. I really needed to pee for the past hour or so but kept holding it in because his roommates were going in and out of the only bathroom in his apartment. I thought I was doing a good job of holding it in until right as I came and, well, I kind of peed a little. In his mouth. Thankfully, he was totally clueless and believed me when I told him the reason I was extra wet was because I squirted, not because he took a trip to Pee Town. My bad. -Britney, 24
Rule #1 of having a vibrator: Always keep it hidden.
My eight-year-old nieces were visiting this summer and stayed in my room. I went crazy and deep-cleaned my room right before. I made sure to hide all the condoms and lube. Of course, I forgot to hide the vibrator. They found it the first night. I had to bribe them to give it back to me without telling anyone. -Jasmine, 25