Feb
2013
Getting Personal: Dating with Debt
So MUCH has been written about this subject already in the blogging world that it’s almost a cliche now. Not going to lie, most of the posts that I have read on this topic, have been rather…well judgmental to say the least and completely turned me off.
I applaud the people who can come right out and say they won’t even consider dating anyone with debt because it would be a burden to them somehow. This kind of honesty takes guts. It also makes you ignorant beyond belief.
It’s no secret that I have debt. It’s also no secret that I’m doing as much as I can to get out of it.
Should I be looked down upon and thought less of for taking out student loans to obtain a Bachelor and Post-Bachelor Degree in the hopes of attaining a good career but graduate with $45,000+ in student loan debt? I sure hope not. But I know some do.
Now when it comes to dating, my debt had never affected any previous relationship before. Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, it had never even been brought up in conversation. Until I met J.
We’ve all heard the statistics that a whopping 50% of marriages end up failing with money being the number one cause of divorce.
So then I wonder, why aren’t more people talking openly and honestly about finances with their S.O.?
For myself personally, I know it’s because I was in financial denial. I could not fully “comprehend” the insane amount I owed and chose to believe that my debt would all be paid off “one day” rather than smarten up and worry about paying it off now. I couldn’t even “talk” about my own debt with myself, never mind another person.
Then I met J. On our first couple of dates, he was trying to “woo” me and the closest we ever came to talking about money, finance, or debt was when he offered to pay for the whole bill. What a gentleman right? After a few more dates, he did causally mentioned that he had a passionate interest in finance and that it was very important for him to live a modest lifestyle so he could save for retirement. Right away, warning alarms rang loud and clear in my head. Did I really want to date a guy who was basically self-proclaiming to be a cheapo lol? Would he judge me for living a life that wasn’t very modest? What would he think of my debt?
I will keep private what happened between us after I broke the news of my debt.
Instead I will tell you where we are now after him knowing my dirty little secret. Obviously J doesn’t like my debt but he knows that it is my debt and that I am giving it 110% of my effort in paying it off as soon as possible. J is my biggest supporter when it comes to this blog. As I mentioned on my DEBT page, he was the one who encouraged me to start this blog to tell my story and share my journey of becoming debt-free. On a daily basis, we talk about money openly and since he is so good with his finances, he’s always giving me tips on how to be smarter with mine.
Dating with debt is not easy. Doing anything with debt is difficult since it’s like this dark cloud constantly looming, threatening to rain down hard at any moment. For anyone out there who has debt, and is afraid to tell their S.O. about it, I say don’t be afraid. Just do it. If he/she is not a douche the right one, they will understand and not judge. They might even be able to help somehow. Hopefully this post wasn’t too “Oprah Winfrey” for you all 
Thank you for letting me vent share my view on this topic.
Cait
February 9, 2013 at 10:44 am (105 days ago)There are personal finance bloggers who say they won’t date someone who has debt!? That doesn’t seem right…
The first guest post I ever wrote was about this topic exactly, and my opinion was the same as yours. At the time, I was nervous to date, because I had $20K+ in debt and I didn’t want to burden anyone with that. But digging myself out of debt has taught me that, as long as paying it off is a priority, nobody else’s debt will scare me off from dating them.
Way to go, J!
Cait recently posted..Why I Couldn’t Sleep Last Month
Girl Meets Debt
February 9, 2013 at 11:40 am (105 days ago)I would love to read that first guest post you wrote about this topic!!!
I agree, (and I think J definitely agrees lol) that paying off debt must be a priority in order to move forward with the relationship and plan for the future.
Do or Debt
February 9, 2013 at 12:00 pm (105 days ago)Debt is such a personal thing, and it’s hard to bring up. Also, I think dating someone with student loans is very different than dating someone with massive credit card debt, than someone with debt due to their mortgage. There are different psychological reasons behind each and lifestyle preferences. But also, usually the right person is willing to work with you and help you and support you! I am glad you found your match
My boyfriend and I both have student loan debt. It doesn’t make either of us happy and you are right, it is a looming cloud of potential doom. But it is important to us that we pay ours off and that we pay it separately. Communication is key and knowing WHY the person got in to debt is so important, and likely the real potential deal breaker, and not the debt. In our case, we just wanted to be educated….that’s what we were told to do, go to college and be successful, we didn’t think twice.
Girl Meets Debt
February 9, 2013 at 12:27 pm (105 days ago)Thank you for bringing up some awesome points. The WHY behind the debt could definitely be more of a deal breaker than the debt itself.
Money is such a taboo subject, with debt being even more uncomfortable to talk about. It took some major work and communication to get where J and I are now but I am SO GLAD we can talk about finances openly.
In some ways, I think it would be easier if J and I were both in debt so he could fully understand my situation but I think he’s as understanding as he could be without being in the situation himself.
Good luck to you and your boyfriend in paying off those student loans
Mochimac
February 9, 2013 at 2:40 pm (104 days ago)People joke about being cheap, when what they mean is ‘frugal’.
I joke about it too. Being cheap, when I know I’m not. If he offered to pay the entire bill, he’s not cheap, he’s smart about his money. He knows when to pick up the tab and spend the money, and when not to waste it on useless things.
You are lucky to have someone so open about money. He’s going to be the best asset you have.
Mochimac recently posted..Investing Series: What does re-balancing a portfolio mean?
Girl Meets Debt
February 9, 2013 at 3:36 pm (104 days ago)Thank you Mochi. I agree, J has been a very good “asset” so far hehe.
On a serious note, he is very smart about his money and has helped to keep me motivated to be smarter about mine.
TheBantuGirl
February 9, 2013 at 3:28 pm (104 days ago)Good on you for being brave enough to share in the first place. Debt shouldn’t define who you are!!! Also, it is a good thing to have a partner with whom you can be open!!!
TheBantuGirl recently posted..West Hartford, CT: Cosmos International
Girl Meets Debt
February 9, 2013 at 3:39 pm (104 days ago)Thank you BG! I agree completely that debt shouldn’t define the person. Although I can’t wait until the day I become debt-free!!!
Michelle
February 9, 2013 at 4:16 pm (104 days ago)I have student loans and have finally figured out a plan on how to pay them off in the next 2-3 years. I am also in the process of trying to date and find “the one” and honestly the thought has crossed my mind that I don’t want to deal with someone who is a financial “hot mess” I thing it comes down to does the person recognize that there is an issue and what are the DOING about it? If they aren’t doing anything about their financial situation or have a lack of motivation or awareness that this is an issue then, this is a person that I don’t need to date. BUT, if they have a plan, are focused, and are trying then that is a person that I could be supportive of, work with, and encourage them to be successful in the pursuit of their goals.
Girl Meets Debt
February 9, 2013 at 4:32 pm (104 days ago)I couldn’t have said it better. Thank you Michelle
P.S. Congrats on having a plan to pay off your student loans in 2-3 years! That’s awesome!!!
Michelle
February 9, 2013 at 11:45 pm (104 days ago)Umm, that 2-3 years is about 12 years too late. But, I also went to grad school, so I’m giving myself some slack for that part of the debt!
Laurie @the frugal farmer
February 10, 2013 at 5:37 am (104 days ago)Good for you, Girl, for being up front and also for doing something about the debt. I think that’s the key. If a person had a boatload of debt and was perfectly fine with having that and accruing more, I could see where the warning bells would go off, but you are eagerly eliminating yours. Great post!
Laurie @the frugal farmer recently posted..The Road to Debt Free: Not for the Faint of Heart
Girl Meets Debt
February 10, 2013 at 8:00 am (104 days ago)Thank you for your kind and supportive words like always Laurie
I always appreciate them.
Budget and the Beach
February 10, 2013 at 12:40 pm (104 days ago)I think it’s not so much that I would have trouble dating someone in debt, but I might think twice about someone incredibly careless. I’m also not in my 20′s…or 30′s, so I think there are certain things I would just “look for” in a person. But that being said, I didn’t run into financial hardship till I was 38,so sometimes you make mistakes at any age. I think like a lot of other values you look for in a person, how you feel about money/saving/spending is just one of those things.
Girl Meets Debt
February 10, 2013 at 1:18 pm (104 days ago)First off, can I just say that you are looking AMAZING for a woman in her 40s! I seriously thought you were in your early 30s when I first stumbled upon your blog!
Like I mentioned before, when I was dating in my early-mid 20s, finances had never been brought up in conversation. It wasn’t even brought up in my late 20s until I met J. I am the one in current debt, but I think now that I am no longer careless with my finances, I would want the same value with any future partner.
anna
February 10, 2013 at 9:08 pm (103 days ago)I agree it’s important to look at the why of the debt, and whether the person is doing anything about it instead of just looking at the number of the debt (though if the debt was in the high six figures and it’s not due to a mortgage, that would be tough to be okay with). I think if someone is trying to better their situation and actually accomplishing it, then it shouldn’t be seen as a deal breaker. I do think it helps when your significant other is more financially frugal and responsible, especially when they don’t judge and want to help someone rather than look down on him/her.
anna recently posted..Weekend with the fam
Girl Meets Debt
February 10, 2013 at 9:40 pm (103 days ago)J is like my free “money coach” haha. When I even “think” about something that might be out of budget he gives me a friendly reminder. I act like I don’t like the reminders but me and him both know I secretly LOVE and appreciate the reminders
Alexa
February 11, 2013 at 5:16 am (103 days ago)I would never rule out dating someone just because they had debt. There is so much more to it. I would be proud to date someone who went into debt to get a bachelors degree and then is working their butt off to pay off the debt. So kudos to you!
However, I can see the side of not wanting to date someone with debt if they had a shopping addiction or no ambition to pay off debt. Everyones situation is different and needs to be looked at differently.
Alexa recently posted..Getting Started Freelance Writing: What You Should Know.
Girl Meets Debt
February 11, 2013 at 7:56 am (103 days ago)Thanks Alexa
I think it didn’t help with my situation because I had cc debt as well, but I agree, everyone’s situation is different and needs to be looked at differently.
I feel like I should also mention that just because it appears they have no ambition to pay it off right then, doesn’t mean that is always the full story. Maybe they just needed a little nudge like me to get started
Manda
February 11, 2013 at 6:04 am (103 days ago)One of my boyfriend’s former coworkers was talking to him about this new boy she had met and whether or not she should continue going on dates with him as she wasn’t really feeling it. Part of her concern was that he was going to law school, which is obviously a huge time commitment, plus the fact that his law school wasn’t top tier so she wasn’t sure if he’d be able to land a job after getting his degree. The way she put it was he would be saddled with ridiculous amounts of debt for a degree that didn’t guarantee him a job, let alone a lucrative one, and she wasn’t all that willing to sign onto a relationship when knowing that was what she would be signing up for. I’ve never really thought of it that way, particularly with student loans (as opposed to consumer debt).
Manda recently posted..Seeds and Eggs
Girl Meets Debt
February 11, 2013 at 8:02 am (103 days ago)It’s HIS debt. NOT HER…but then again, if she wasn’t feeling it, she wasn’t feeling it.
I think it was attitudes similar to your boyfriend’s coworker that got under my skin…but everyone is entitled to their own opinions
American Debt Project
February 13, 2013 at 8:25 pm (100 days ago)I guess I am “lucky” in that I started dating my fiance when we both young and reckless
. He didn’t have debt but he also like to spend everything..and so did I! We were crazy. But I was also really honest about how I had all this debt and I was going to pay it off…it just took a few years before I got serious about it. Now we are both much better with money but we have a long road ahead of us. But I am glad we have always been able to talk about money, it definitely made it less stressful in those months when I thought making all my payments would be impossible. Sounds like your BF is leading you in the right direction and it’s nice that at least one of you is frugal, believe me, two spenders makes for funny stories but also some ridiculous choices!
Girl Meets Debt
February 13, 2013 at 8:39 pm (100 days ago)Thank you for commenting! I’m going to check out your blog for these ridiculous choices funny stories
I’m such a spender so it is nice to have him be so frugal while I get serious about paying off my huge debt!
cjb
March 8, 2013 at 3:32 am (78 days ago)I dated and married mr financial hot mess. What a roller coaster. It took 5 years, bankruptcy, 2 Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University classes and a lot of frustration to finally get him on the same plan.
My hubby is a wonderful person….has a great job, loving family….he just is no good with money and he has a lot of insecurities about money and thought it was normal to have payments.
Honestly, I was nearly at wits end and he knows it. I’m sick and tired of having more money go out because he wanted something yesterday and looked on line to see how much was in the account and going wahoo, there’s money in there (that was ear marked for bills and if he checked the balance in the check book he’d of scene that) and then bouncing a few checks.
We are finishing up Dave’s FPU and my DH is finally getting it. FINALLY! This last class has been a huge eye opener for him. He has said things and realized things and has said things in class and at home while we’re our budget that makes me proud…and makes me fall in love with him again (and I can tell you….I was really losing that loving feeling…debt will do that).
So, honestly, if I had it all to do over again…I wouldn’t stick around for the debt monster. At the mention of debt I know I would run…run for the hills. But, if my husband stays on his new path….the past 5 years can be forgiven and we can live happily ever after.
Sharon J. Gilman
March 8, 2013 at 9:45 am (78 days ago)I recently read an article on Yahoo about how some people won’t date a person with a bad credit score. Seriously, this girl was on a date and had the guy ask her what her credit score was. Can you believe the nerve of that guy? And then to top it off, he ended up telling her later that he couldn’t date her. It wasn’t her – it was her credit score. Jeez. I really couldn’t believe she had actually told him. I would not dignify that question, personally. Coming from someone who is 30 and about $30k in the hole, I would be offended for anybody holding that against me. I’ve learned my lessons and I’m working on fixing it. The ‘why’ of the debt and the ‘what’s being done about it’ is more important that the debt itself.
Sharon J. Gilman recently posted..Hands off my Starbucks!